Sanctuary

My last day of trip.

And you had to take it all away from me...

 

Damn you, camera and handphone thief!

May you have bad breath and bad hair day everyday.

So that when you choke on everything you eat, you can die a lonely death.

 

Stew-Pit.

 

Cord

I don't know what I'm doing, screwing up my life like that.

What the hell was I thinking?

Thinking we can put things right, un-doing the wrong we did.

All we did was getting from a shit-hole into another deeper one.

And I let us.

 

Ok, fine.

Maybe there wasn't any "we" or "us" in the first place anyway.

Maybe it's just "me", "me", "me", and "me" only.

 

Perhaps if I was drunk.

There's might still be an excuse.

But I wasn't!

I knew what I was doing and where we were going...

 

Gawd...

 

I only want my simple life back.

Where I work in the morning;

Eat dinner with my family;

Have coffee and movies with my friends;

Watch my favourite drama on TV;

Bed at 11pm.

 

And a bonus, if God permits one day, someone by my side with whom I can share my life with.

 

Not exactly in God's good books recently though...

 

Determined to unscrew my life.

Determined to take baby steps from now on.

 

Cord

Yes, and we purposely left you out of it.

 

You are the world's suckiest ****.

You are just a gigantic wailing baby.

 

"FYI, nothing was arranged here. JB do not have the slides coz they did not have FTP."

"Sorry...My mistake for assuming they knew about the updated slides as there was actually a broadcast email about the update... Had asked (Person-in-charge of organising the training) to see who's still online who has FTP, then can download and send to her.. Very sorry.."

"Next time please do not assume when I need you to make preparation. Nothing can be assumed."

"OK."

 

You never recognise when someone did well.

You only know and blame when someone did something wrong.

No matter how many rights and excellents she did before that 1 tiny fault.

Fine, ground her for all you want if she really craps in her job.

 

BUT!

 

Please find out who should really be responsible for something that cocks up.

If you are going to just shoot the wrong person.

I'm going to ask nicely...

 

Please SHUT the hell UP.

 

Cord

 

 

Company's really getting hard to get with age.

Friends choosing their directions.

Settling down, carreer, and such.

 

Am I wrong to just accept any company I can get?

To just agree to hang with people who ask me out and I happen to be free, fulfilling the bare conditions I do not detest them?

Do I really need to think between the lines?

To me, they are all friends.

There are no boys or girls.

Is it wrong not to differentiate the gender of my company?

 

I'm ok if others do not get me or call me names behind my back, or even within earshot at times.

I don't care.

But it hurts when even you do not understand.

Especially when I had believed with my heart you'll accept who I am without judgement.

Regretful now, and feeling foolish for sharing with you everything without hiding or polishing.

Was really dumfounded when you raised in public things that I had told you. Only.

Felt really naked then.

But you have no idea.

 

Oh well, I guess I'll revert to holding things in.

I suppose some things are meant to be unspeakable afterall.

Some degree of translucency still works best.

 

I love you, nonetheless.

 

And you may be right on one thing.

I'm desperate.

But not for a man.

Rather, for company.

 

Looking for that like-minded, like-interest person I may never find.

 

Cord

 

In the same shithole from 3 years ago.

 

Though this time round was with prior consideration.

Opened to the idea as I was ready for it, having learnt from the last episode.

 

I was wrong.

 

Indeed, I was in control through the deed, and even till a few days after.

I got what I wanted.

Damn.

You should have walked away then, like what I told you to.

Playing the game abit too far.

I suck. As always.

Now you are killing me...

 

It's so difficult to have to keep a conscious effort on focusing on the true cause.

Or at least the cause that I set.

With each passing correspondence, I sink deeper.

It's either you are really serious about the exclusivity you promised.

Or you are bloody good at what I think you are good at.

 

Both ways lead to a dead end.

Distance kills while I don't play games.

I'm not tough enough.

 

Yet, shunning ending it.

Dread reverting to status quo for real, now that I've a taste of you.

 

Know not what to do.

 

Cord

Disappointments in friends.

Heart chilled by the superficial of things.

Unrealistic overexpectations?

Fleeting acquaintances.

Attempted solutions.

Was I wrong?

Graver mistake, 1 after the other.

Colder and emptier.

 

Social butterfly?

Perhaps once.

 

Frozen frame.

 

Still around only because I promised I would.

 

Cord

How many times have we let opportunities slip because we hesitated?

Many times we have falter in the face of uncertainties.

We wonder how would things have been different if we had ...

 

"If I had ..."

 

Don't give yourself the chance to look back in the past to ask why.

Look forward and ask why not.

 

Although statistics(from my own experience) haven't been showing all rosy results;

Many times became impulsive decisions that landed me in trouble, in hurt or set back in wealth.

But hey,

They've painted my life colourful.

So what if some of the colours look seemingly unpleasant?

Taint they do not.

Add contrast and depth, they do.

 

Welcome the whole spectrum of colours.

Look back and see your life, an ingenious piece of abstract art.

Splashes of colours.

 

Still life is so passe.

 

Cord